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A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the Captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to America, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is a Channel Ferry."
A seaman met a pirate, complete with hook, patch and peg-leg, and talk turned to their adventures at sea. "So how did you end up with a peg-leg?" the seaman asked.
"We were in a storm and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men pulled me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with cutlasses. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A seagull dropping fell in my eye," replied the pirate darkly.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?"
"Not exactly," said the pirate. "You see it was my first day with the hook..."
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