A Surveyors Nightmare:

Could these be the worst survey instructions ever received?

Please attend on board the vessel "Nightmare" on behalf of the owner's P&I and report with your preliminary findings as soon as possible. Our solicitors have advised that opposition surveyors should not be allowed on board, or allowed to interview the Captain.

We attach the latest fax from the Captain to bring you up to date.

It is with deep regret and haste that I fax this report to you. Regret because such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste so that you get this fax before you form your own preconceived opinions from reports in the world press. I am sure they will overdramatise the whole affair.

We had just embarked the pilot, and the deck apprentice had returned from changing the "G" flag for the "H" flag. This being his first trip, he was having a little difficulty in rolling up the "G" flag. I therefore proceeded to show him how to do it. Coming to the last part I told him to let go the flag. The lad, although willing, is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone, "Let go".

At this moment the Third Officer appeared from the Chartroom having been plotting the vessel's progress. Thinking it was the anchors which were being referred to, he immediately repeated the "Let Go" to the Chief Officer on the fo'c'sle. The port anchor having been cleared away, but not walked out was promptly let go. The effect of letting go the anchor from the pipe while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for windlass brake. The entire length of the port cable was pulled out by the roots. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction - right towards the swing bridge which spans a tributary to the river we were navigating.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge to my vessel. Unfortunately he did not think to stop the vehicular traffic. The result was that the bridge partly opened and deposited a Volkswagen, two cyclists and a cattle truck on the fore deck. My crew is at present rounding up the latter, which from the noise I would say are pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel, the Chief Officer dropped the starboard anchor - too late to be of little practical use because it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.

After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a double ring on the telegraph of "Full Astern". At this moment there was a power cut ashore. The fact that the chart showed we were passing over a cable area at the time suggests we may have touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by our foremast were not live, having been replaced by an underwater cable. Owing to the blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.

Unfortunately down aft they were having their own problems. At the moment the port anchor was let go, the Second Officer was supervising the making fast of the after tug.

The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to run in under the stern of my vessel, just at the moment the propeller was answering my double ring of "Full Astern". The prompt action of the Second Officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by several minutes, thereby allowing the safe abandoning of that vessel.

As I compile this report the River Pilot lies huddled in the corner of my day cabin, wild eyed and gibbering after consuming a bottle of gin in a time worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records. The Tug skipper on the other hand has reacted quite violently and had to be forcibly restrained by the bosun who has handcuffed him to the gangway railings.

No doubt you will instruct our P&I surveyor to attend. I shall pass him the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck. The Chief Officer collected these after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the fo'c'sle. These particulars will enable you to claim for the damages which they did to the starboard bulwark in way of No 3 Hold.

I shall fax more details later for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of Police Car sirens and their flashing lights. It is perhaps a salient fact that had the apprentice realised that there was no need to fly the pilot flag after dark, none of this would have happened. Nevertheless a number of casualties did occur in this somewhat unlucky incident, 12 dead pigs, 9 assorted fractures on 6 crewman who are about to depart for the hospital, and it is my opinion that the pilot and tug skipper will require counselling.

Will revert with further details in early course.

Please advise soonest details of my next cargo.

Kind Regards,

A.N.Other. Master.

And the surveyor said?

The Japanese Coast Guard responded to an SOS call from a sinking ship in the middle of the Sea of Japan. When the rescue effort arrived, they found the crew of a trawler clinging to an undersized liferaft. After returning to land, each member of the crew and the officers were questioned about the events causing the accident, but after the interviews, the men were placed in confinement on suspicion of sabotage and insurance fraud.

Every man claimed that their boat had been struck by a large cow that had fallen out of the cloudless sky smashing the aft deck to pieces and holing the hull. The authorities suspected the unusual story had been concocted to cover up foul play.

The men remained in confinement for over a week until a call came in from the Russian Air Force, who had heard of the incident. After the call, all of the men were released.

On the same day that the ship sank, a Russian cargo plane was preparing to take off from an airfield in far eastern Russia. Before takeoff, the crew of the plane noticed a cow grazing beside the runway. Hungry for the expensive meat, they dragged the cow into the cargo hold and took off, intending to have a feast at their destination. Once in the air, the disoriented cow went berserk, thrashing and kicking at anything and anyone within reach. Before the cow could do any serious damage, the crew opened the cargo hatch and pushed the cow out at 20,000 feet over the Sea of Japan and continued their journey...